I met D on the beach next to where I lived. It was on my turf. It was with my group of friends whom I played beach volleyball with every weekend. He was a guest of a friend. And it was that friend with whom I flirted with all day.
But at the end of the day, it was D who asked me out.
Before I could think of a suitable reply, I had said maybe and given him my number.
It wasn’t love at first sight… or even at first dozen sights. As we went on more and more dates, it was apparent that we liked each other and wanted to make it work (as evidenced by the fact that there was always a next date), but something was off. We didn’t click like the smooth scalloped edges of two puzzle pieces perfectly sliding into place. Our edges were jagged and grated against one another, never quite lining up.
When I tried to think about what was wrong or what was missing, one thing always seemed to be nagging me: he wasn’t romantic enough. When I spent an hour slaving over my makeup and choosing a cute outfit, he didn’t whisper wow, you look beautiful. I didn’t get cute little thinking of you texts throughout the day, or surprise dinner reservations, or flowers on special occasions.
It wasn’t the kind of love story I’d always imagined I’d have. I wanted to be swept off my feet.
It took a lot of relationship growing pains to realize that the lack of romance doesn’t equal the lack of caring. And now I revel in our utterly goofy, largely non-romantic relationship. Over the past almost three years, aside from the very first Christmas, we’ve never exchanged gifts on special occasions, knowing that we don’t need to spend money to prove anything.
Even yesterday, as we walked hand in hand past a sign advertising a Valentine’s dinner or whatever, D said, “Oh look, it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, guess who’s not getting anything?” And I threw back my head and laughed.
We may not be exchanging presents, but I still have this totally mushy V-day message:
You’re not the flowers and fancy dinner kind of guy. There’s a bouquet of red roses currently sitting on the dining table, but it’s the result of a mysterious wrong delivery with a note reading “to Erin, with all my love, Ron” (poor Ron… no brownie points for him today). I’m cooking all our meals today, and most likely, I’ll end this most romantic of days by washing your stinky socks. But I don’t need grand romantic gestures. Because as we now share our lives together, I know that this is the kind of guy you are:
– In the middle of the night, you get up and climb out from underneath the warmth of the covers, turn on all the lights, and goes to battle with the single mosquito buzzing around the room. I mumble for you to forget about it, but you don’t give up until you’ve killed it, just so that it wouldn’t bite us anymore for the rest of the night.
– You always carry my deceptively heavy luggage up and down the stairs for me.
– You say you hate my stuffed animals and tell me to grow up and put them away… but you still cleaned them for me that one time with your little handheld infomercial steam cleaner, without my asking.
– One of the most recurring arguments we have? Over drinking water. I always forget to drink water and it makes you mad enough to yell at me for it, because you care about my health.
– When you see me playing my iphone game, you actually worry that I’m not playing it effectively, and next thing I know, I get an email from you with a link to the best tips and tricks for the game.
– Late in the evening, when I want to run down the street to grab a bite to go, you insist that you come with me, even if you’re already snuggled up in bed, because you promised my mom that you’ll keep me safe.
– You work so hard to secure our futures. You’re always thinking about the next bigger, better thing. So that our lives will be bigger, better too.
And most of all, you believe in me. You encourage me to be my best and challenge me to be better. Even when I’m not better, when I don’t believe in myself, when I cry self-loathing tears, you tell me to shut up. Not because you’re turning your back, but because you truly think I’m awesome.
But I think that you’re definitely the better person out of the two of us. And it makes me want to be better for you too. So I will try hard to no longer begrudgingly do your smelly laundry or make you food when you get hungry every freaking two hours. Because now I know that it’s through the little gestures that I show how much I care.
Thank you for giving me our love story.
Happy V-day everyone. :) Are you celebrating?
Nope, not celebrating, but that’s because I’m single LOL!
I would be worried for D though. Girls are unpredictable, when a girl say something like: “Nah, I don’t need gifts, I don’t need celebrations”, it is time to be very worried! :D :D
Maybe some girls, but not me. :) I’d really rather use the money to do something fun or travel somewhere else. But one thing I will not mind though is spending money on some good food!
Cute! You’re the opposite of me – I’m always the least romantic one :) I had to train the Russky that REALLY IT’S OK not to give me flowers on holidays. I really, really don’t want them!
Haha! I think of idea of flowers is sweet, but I’d rather use the same money on food or an experience, and not something that will die in a few days!
Anna, sometimes I really woder if we were related in another life – I can’t tell you how much I related to this – Pumpkin and I don’t bother with V day – we’re currently just sat on the sofa watching Saturday night TV much like most Saturdays and I’ve just read him this post. It actually made me a little emotion because I felt as if you could have been writing about my exact relationship! The number of times I used to moan and whine about not having the grand romantic gestures whilst being so blind to the fact that the love is there so strongly every single day & is manifested through all the small, selfless kind gestures he dpes rather like D from the sounds of things ☺ happy V day & wishing you both lots of love not just today but always .
Shikha, I call that kindred spirits. :) You and Pumpkin sound like such a sweet couple and I’m sure when we meet, we’d all hit it off well! These days, I much prefer an evening in rather than a big night out. Sounds like you guys had the perfect V-day! Sending you two lots of love as well! xx
I love this! Our Valentines day was spent grocery shopping, cutting his hair, and spending the evening with friends. Valentine’s day has become so commercialized that I just won’t bow to its pressure. It’s about the couple, so spend the day celebrating each other and your quirks, eccentricities, goofiness and geekiness! What a beautiful tribute to you guys; thanks so much for sharing!!!
Thanks so much for reading Katrina! I hate how commercialized the day has become in the US too. It is so much more fun to just celebrate being “us” than having to worry about executing huge plans. Sounds like you guys had a great day! :D
aww. i really enjoyed reading this; real love isn’t based on romance, but it’s as you describe, where love protects, carries each other’s baggage (emotional and physical ^_^), endures each others messiness (steam cleaning stuffed animals?! your bf is a genius… why did i never think of that?), and gives selflessly for one another. thanks for sharing, y’all are sweet. =)
Thanks so much for reading, Soapie :). And yesss… it worked pretty well :D. Just don’t burn yourself!
What a great post! And I completely and totally agree. I always joke with my partner how he has never bought me flowers in five years of being together, but there are so many daily gestures of kindness and love that I’d choose those over flowers any day! He also tells me that he is following my dad’s example, as he has never bought my mum flowers and they’ve been together 36 years. It’s all about those gestures where you think “I’m so lucky!” :)
Oh I love that! 36 years together and *gasp* not one flower. Proves that you don’t need romantic gestures to make it work! I totally agree, I would choose the everyday little acts of kindness and thoughtfulness over flowers! I hope you guys had a wonderful weekend! x
Weird! I swore I replied to this yesterday!! Anyway, this is what I said –
I love that your parents have been together for that long! Proves that love doesn’t need to be all romantic, and that the real thing is through everyday acts of thoughtfulness and kindness. I’d choose that over flowers all the time too!
You did, I got the email saying you did… now it’s disappeared. Weird indeed!!
Okay, I thought I was going crazy when I saw it’s gone!
So sweet :) love comes through in many different ways — you’ve put it so eloquently! happy (belated) valentines day!
Thanks so much. :) I hope you two had a GREAT weekend full of love and goofiness as well!
That is beautiful – and sounds utterly perfect for your relationship!
Thanks so much for reading! :) The goofy kind of relationships are the most fun!
This is adorable, Anna! Haha especially coming from the other side, because I also express affection by making fun of others and am allergic to being romantic. For me, I look at actions to be far more telling than anything someone says to me. And it looks like you guys are perfect for each other :) Hope you had a wonderful day!
We make fun of each other so much! And we really do have more fun that way! And you’re right, just the small everyday actions say the most. :)
Funny that it’s the second time today I’m posting something like this in reply to a blog, but I so relate to what you said. I think pop culture and romantic comedies have perpetuated a very standard form of love – that of sweeping romantic gestures and unbridled mush. I’ve also had to adjust my notions of romance in a relationship, given how allergic my boyfriend is to giving flowers, doing those cuddly-happy-couple pics, and so on! But with time, we come to appreciate the little gestures that mean more than anything else. :) Your letter is SO sweet. Best to you guys!
Haha!! D is really allergic to taking couple pics too. I have to drag him to take a picture with me at pretty places. And it just gets so annoying that I hardly even bother anymore, so I hardly have any pics of the two of us!! It’s great to hear that other couples are the same way, hehe. I wish the best for the two of you too!
I so relate as well. I’ve had the fairy tale romantic kind of love and as wonderful as it was in the moment it wasn’t sustainable. Now I am in a relationship similar to yours in that he is the opposite to romantic but he shows me every day in a thousand little practical ways how much he cares. We also have the comfortable sarcastic teasing bond between us which is so much more real and quite frankly more fun. I’m glad that you were wise enough to not miss out on this relationship over the misconception that romantic love is the best or only kind of love.
I completely agree! Just being goofy together is so much more fun! I did used to think in some way that a lot of effort = caring, but now, I would so much rather have the little everyday kindness. Much more sustainable. :)
Ah, that’s an incredibly sweet message and I think it meant the whole world to D :) My bf and I are both not a romantic type of couple. We don’t do all that mushy, cute, couple things…but we both know how much we mean to each other. Guess, it’s just that not all the relationships can be fit in a standard cookie-cut mold, right? :)
Thanks for reading Elena! I think D would never be caught dead doing a mushy couples’ activity, lol. But as long as I can drag him to a zoo from time to time, then I’m not complaining. :)
This is great!I love that you’ve highlighted REAL love and not exacerbated the overthetop expectations that society places on all of us, particularly during such holidays. way to go!
Thanks so much Amy! This little exercise did make me see how real the love is! When I had it all written down, my version of a love story sounded so much better to me than flowers and fancy dinners. :)
Oh my gosh, this is the cutest thing! I loved your analogy to puzzle pieces. So beautiful written. Haha, I’m having a tough time imaging him cleaning your stuffed animals, but it really is in the little gestures that a loving relationship is formed. I hope the two of you had a great valentine’s day just being you :)
Oh I couldn’t believe it either. I took a picture as proof, but he threatened my life and made me delete it. :)
I love this. This is real love. Not the people who post pictures on FB of ‘Look what e just bought me’. My boyfriend is exactly the same. I got upset at first but then I realised what you also have. Do I really want flowers, fancy dinners or on a few special days a year!? No I prefer a £0.20 chocolate bar when he goes to the shop to get bread or him giving me 300 THB walking down the street in Bangkok as I mentioned I felt like getting a massage but should save the money for something else!
Pah old fashioned romance is just that… Old fashioned and materialistic. Travels are not materialistic so your love is perfect for you!
Hi Sally! Thanks so much for coming by and leaving a comment! :)
Yes exactly! Now I really don’t even want anything materialistic because I’d rather use the money for more travel (or occasional massages splurges)! Your boyfriend sounds so sweet as well and I wish you two the best!
Very sweet. Everyone has their own love story. I’m the type that gets “mad” when I’m concerned or worried, similar to D. We may seem insensitive, but we really do care. We care so much it makes us yell. Haha! Happy Valentines!!
Haha that’s the best kind of caring! We seriously have that fight almost everyday, so I feel lucky that he still cares everyday. :) I hope you guys had a great one too!!