In the morning, as soon as I open my eyes, I grab for my phone to look at my notifications. During the night, emails have come into my inbox informing me of my tasks for the day. I go through each one and quickly form some sort of schedule of which tasks I’m going to tackle first and how long I should spend on each one.
Once I feel ready to get out of bed, I sit at my desk, open my laptop and begin work. I go through the rest of the day, checking off each task as I complete them. Yes, there are breaks and a lot of procrastination in between, sometimes even a short nap or yoga practice.
Some days, I work from home, all day holed up in my room, leaving it only to grab food from the kitchen. Some days, I go to the cafe and plant myself there for 8 hours (they don’t care) because it’s the only place I can work without getting distracted.
Either way, by the end of the day, I feel completely drained.
Some days, this is past midnight and I crash into bed right away. Some days, I finish work earlier but all I want to do is watch mindless shows or listen to an audio book and play Candy Crush.
I think of my poor neglected blog. And I want to write for it, I really do. But I seem to have lost all my inspiration and creativity.
my writing desk and view
I’ve entered a transition period. I went from being the mostly woman of leisure I had been for the past 2 years to juggling multiple freelancing gigs. Practically a full-time’s job worth, and yet, well… let’s just say I’m earning nowhere close to what I used to.
I’m not going to lie. It’s difficult. I often wonder if this is really a sustainable living. How long can I do this for? Is this going to be good enough in the future? 2 years from now? 5 years? 20??
The weeks go by uneventfully and I’ve settled into a pretty mundane little routine of wake, work, eat, sleep. Rinse, repeat. I suppose it’s the same as anyone else. But that’s not the hard part.
It’s more like that sometimes, I can’t quite shake the feeling that I’m not living up to my potential. That I made the decision to leave my old life to have more than this.
And it saddens me that I’ve stopped doing the things I enjoy (like blogging and art). I hardly ever even take pictures to post to Instagram anymore. The simple reason? I just don’t feel inspired.
I guess the past couple of months had me feeling like I’m in a state of stuck, and just waiting to feel inspired again. But I’m ready to create and embrace life again.
This post was supposed to be explanation for my long absence, but the truth is that I needed to write this for myself too because sometimes I loose sight of the ultimate goal for living this kind of life and all the good I have around me. Instead I find myself comparing too much to what I had before.
This has not been easy and some days I may feel very uncertain about where this is all going, but I do know this:
I still get to wake up whenever I want. I can sleep in if I feel extra tired that day. I can choose to stay in and not put on clothes and work in bed, or I can work in a cafe while nibbling on a slice of cake.
I earn enough to live in one of the most exciting cities in the world, and I get to hop on a plane and explore someplace new every once in a while.
I still have the freedom and flexibility to do what I want and be where I want.
And I’m still having one heck of an adventure.
I’m so happy to hear that you still feel that sense of adventure Anna. Hopefully that’s what will keep you going through the transition or at least until you’ve figured out what direction you’re going. I know it must be tough at times but I kind of envy the way you can work at your own pace in an environment of your choice and in your PJs too if you wish :-D
Hehe it is nice to be able to wake up whenever and work from home, and I honestly cannot imagine waking up to an alarm and driving to work through morning traffic again. But it does get lonely, so I mix it up by going to a cafe a couple of times a week. I really am grateful to have been able to find freelancing work that pays enough for me to live here. And I still believe that it’ll lead to more someday. :)
Wow if buy you a coffee if you were in NZ! I can relate to this so easily, despite having a full time job and considering going freelance on a daily basis. Freedom is the pull, reality is a bit harder. Good on you for making a change though, I hope you can get some more structure and balance from what you do to enjoy life outside of work.
Hey Ngaire! I can totally see the pros and cons of both freelancing and working in a company. And I don’t think one is necessary better over the other. I don’t think freelancing is as carefree as people may make it seem to be and just the uncertainty of it all (and the fact that you definitely don’t make as much) gets to me sometimes, but when it comes down to it, I really do prefer the freedom and flexibility! You hit it spot on that having balance is key, so that’s why I decided that it’ll be better to take on a little less work in order to have more time to do do the things I enjoy again. :) I plan to write a post all about the reality of freelancing so keep an eye on it if you’re interested to an honest opinion!
I can completely relate to the sense of feeling uninspired by the seemingly mundane daily routines. But keep on adventuring in whatever way you can! That’s what makes doing all the uneventful tasks worth while, right? :)
I mostly do my adventurings on weekends now, but that’s what makes it more special :). It’s not really the routine, but rather the uncertainty of it all that gets to me. But I’m sure that this is only the beginning of better things! :)
(I replied but I don’t think it went though, so I’m trying again! Sorry if you got anything twice!)
Such an honest post. I can totally understand why you feel this way as change can be the absolute hardest thing! It really can knock the wind from our sails. When I am feeling uninspired, I like to take my camera out and look for little details of beauty. Or, I like to use Instagram as a source of inspiration to find somewhere local that I haven’t been before. There is so much adventure close by, we just have to find it :D Lots of love!
I’m really inspired by photos you take of just normal daily things! i want to do a project where I take my camera with me everytime I go out and capture photos of details or things that catch my eye. I think I”m going to try that even though I’ll feel really weird taking photos of random things here, haha!
all changes are difficult. don’t fret too much, you’ll find inspiration for your blog soon:)
Thanks Tanja! Yeah I find that inspiration comes and goes. I’m happy to be doing what I enjoy again. :)
I’m really happy to get an update and proud that you’re charging through, even though the circumstances right now are quite different than the ones in the past. I think in times of instability and uncertainty like this, it’s easy to look back at how things used to be, or at any point of our lives when things were less uncertain. But you’re trying! And in the end, even if it doesn’t work out, you definitely gave it your all.
Thinking of you and sending good vibes :)
Hi Michelle! Thank! :D Yep, I’m really trying not to compare too much and just think about all the stuff I have that’s good. Because I can’t have the best of both worlds (as in high-paying job AND adventurous lifestyle). And I know that if it comes down to it, I much prefer having this kind of flexibility and freedom. :)
Oh no… I can relate to feeling drained and uninspired, Upwork jobs can be the worst and leave you feeling overwhelmingly under-appreciated, under-paid, unfulfilled and like you’re not living up to your potential at all :(
I did some localisation work on People Per Hour a few years ago and just wanted to jump out the window at the end of each day. Even now there are days where it feels as though all these amazing places simply become the backdrop of an otherwise mundane life filled with exactly the kind of stuff I thought I’d escaped from, and there’s no energy left at the end of the day to actually learn and take in culture and art and simply be amazed! Even worse if it’s a country (like Malaysia) where it’s usually dark by the time you decide to close the lid. I’m sure it’ll work out for you in the end and you’ll find a client / project / job that gives you more of a challenge you can live up to and get a better work-life balance back at the same time!! xx Eva
Eva! I miss you and Gavin. I hope you guys are doing well! You said it so much better than me. Sometimes I really do feel like that even though I live in such an interesting city, I hardly have the time/energy to explore it. But because I’m here for a longer period of time, it’s ok. I can just explore it more slowly :). Overall, I like having a home base and the flexibility to work on my own time. I feel really lucky that I have a really good long-term client, and I’m starting to get to the point where I can be more choosy and pick the jobs that pay well and interest me. It was definitely tough for a while there in the beginning, but it’s getting better already! Miss you! xx
I totally get feeling drained and tired! I’ve been feeling like this myself way too often the past couple of months juggling a part-time job, writing my MA thesis and blogging and I’m definitely ready for a break only that that’s not happening and instead I’m starting a full-time job soon. I’m definitely afraid of becoming burnt out completely but then again, I’m lucky enough to live abroad in beautiful surroundings and I wouldn’t be able to afford that without a job! And like you, I have the option of working from home which does take the stress out of it a bit! Great to hear that you’re trying to see it positively at least ;)
Oh man, I can only imagine how hard it is to work on a thesis while working and still trying to find the time for side activities like blogging. But I’m so impressed that you’ve been juggling it so well! I think of it the same way too… that working is how I can afford to live in such an interesting city. Best of luck on your new job and I hope you find that balance! Don’t stress yourself out or get burnt out by forcing yourself to commit to so much. Sometimes, taking a break really helps and then I come back into it with more energy! x
I’m so glad to hear you’re doing well and that you’re prolonging the adventure. I totally get your worries, but I’d like to point out that as someone who’s gainfully employed in a ‘normal’ job in an industry that’s traditionally perceived quite well, I still feel like I’m not living up to my potential. I think there’s some deep stuff going on there to do with differences between our generation and that of our parents, imposter syndrome, being female, and probably a bunch of other stuff too. Just wanted to put my hand up in solidarity and let you know I’m wading through the same stuff! Keep going!
Hey Rachel! Thanks for the support! :) I know what you mean about parental pressure and just what society expects us to be at a certain age career-wise. It’s been hard because I feel like freelancing just feels like a temporary solution, rather than a long term career. But things are more stable now and I think bigger and better things will come from it. And as long as we’re happy with life and do what we enjoy, make enough to live and save, that’s the most important!
I think it’s expected to have a bit of a uninspired patch after such a big change. It’s a whole new life to adjust to. Although kudos for sticking it out and making it work, maybe you have to start telling yourself that working it all out is all part of the adventure! I’ve been pretty uninspired lately, but this month I feel pretty refreshed and I think I’m going to combine that with a little break in blogging (minus those daily photos) and look to August to really get going again. I’m all motivated to plan and make more of things.
Maybe airing it all out is just what you need to get going again! I hope so anyway, I thoroughly enjoy reading your adventures.
I like that way of thought – that making a new life for myself a freelancer is an adventure all of its own. :) A blogging break really does help, and makes me miss it enough that I want to come back to it. I want to try a new project like what you do and make myself take a daily photo to find inspiration even in everyday mundane things! Enjoy your little blogging break and take the time for yourself!
Your honestly is absolutely refreshing. Than you for being vulnerable and sharing how draining and down you are. I’m keeping you in my thoughts and hope you find some solid inspiration soon :)
http://www.pumpsandpineapples.com/
Hi Alaina, thanks so much for your comment! I’m feeling much better about everything and I am excited to write for myself again. :) And btw, I love the name of your blog!
Such an honest, beautiful post! I love when you let us get a real inside look at your life. It’s so refreshing. So real. SO many bloggers hide the hard parts of living a life on the go, but you never fail to be real! You’re so brave Anna and I know inspiration will come to you soon! This is just a rut. A wave that will go by! I have all the faith in the world that you’re going to figure it all out :D
Thank you Lauren! Travel and living life on the road is so much more than just visiting pretty places or eating good! There’s a whole other side to how we’re able to make it possible. I know you’re interested in freelancing work. I’m planning on write a post all about it and my thoughts and what it’s like!
I hear you, friend. I’ve meandered through seasons like this, too, and I think reflecting on it is a great way to process and be present, even when it’s hard. Thanks for sharing. xo
Hey Daisy! Reflecting about it definitely makes me see that there’s still a lot of good in my life and that I wouldn’t trade what I have now for my old life in an office. :)
Soooo been here! I appreciate your honesty and please know you’re not alone in feeling like this. *hugs*
Thanks for always pouring so much emotion into what you write, Anna! I can definitely see where you’re coming from, but just keep on keeping on and you’ll find your way. Sometimes it’s okay to have a lull. Your mind and your body need that. And oh my gosh, to wake up whenever you like is the ultimate dream! Haha.