At age 30, one receives strength. – Talmud
Today, I woke up in my childhood bedroom in my grandma’s house, which I’ve gotta say is not where I have ever imagined waking up on my 30th birthday.
Honestly, I don’t feel much different from being still 29 yesterday, but now I’m officially a 30-something (oh gosh, I hate the sound of that!), which means that I’m expected to have it “together” now. I feel like at the age of 30 is when you officially become a “grown up” because you’ve spent your 20’s learning and experiencing and making choices and now you’ve got to take all that and create the Rest of Your Life.
I wanted to say that I’m still pretty freakin’ clueless (which is true as I’ve had no good answers for all the questions everyone keeps on asking me about my plans, my love life, my job, etc. etc.), but as I reflected back on all the choices I’ve made and what brought me here to waking up in my childhood bedroom, I realized I’ve already learned the most valuable lesson of all.
When I started traveling, my biggest fear was that D and I would break up and I’d be left alone in a foreign country. This fear was because I didn’t believe in myself that I could do it too. I didn’t think I could be strong enough or smart enough or confident enough to sustain myself.
So I became wholly dependent on him, not just financially, but rather in the sense that I needed his confidence to carry us through this crazy journey. I’m not naturally brave and so I needed his strength, his smarts, his drive.
Well that did end up happening. And guess what – it sucked but I didn’t fall apart. I found a way to earn the money I need to stay on the road and to have a happy (even happier) life without him.
But I didn’t do it alone.
I still needed someone to lean on.
Friends (and my mom), I’ve not been honest with you. You may know that I’ve spent the better part of this year settled in Kuala Lumpur. But you may not know why. Again, it circles back to insecurity and a boy.
I didn’t set out to meet anyone in Malaysia (aside from the general need for some friends). And when I met him (a born and bred local), I never expected to actually feel a connection or for my life to be impacted in such a major way.
I told him he can’t fall for me, but he told me he loved me.
I said we couldn’t become anything, but he said he wanted to try.
I was completely lost, and he wanted me to stay.
And so I did.
Over these past months, I found myself leaning onto him for everything – from finding a rental to Ikea runs to the (seemingly impossible) hunt for authentic Mexican food. He showed me a kind of caring I’ve never before experienced. As I settled into KL and a beautiful relationship blossomed, my past hurts and fears slowly faded away as he restored my faith in pure and unselfish love.
I’m sorry for getting all sappy, but this is where the story ends. Due to circumstances neither one of us could have predicted, I’m finding myself going through a second heartbreak this year.
I wanted to keep this part of my life private for a bit. To be selfish and enjoy the budding of a new romance to myself. And now after it having ended, this pain still seems too private to share, but at the same time, it seems somehow not right to keep this significant phase of my life bottled up like a dirty secret (which it definitely is not). And I don’t want to trivialize what we had by just letting it pass by silently.
He came into my life at a time when I felt so lost and untethered. He helped me find my way and gave me a reason to call somewhere home. He never judged me and still loved me even when I was homeless and jobless (a real catch I was, huh). What did I ever do to deserve such a kind, generous soul? I still don’t know.
I know I was a difficult girl to date. I was needy because I didn’t know how to care for myself in a foreign country. And so I held onto KL and him like a security blanket. Because wrapped up in his love, I was adored and safe and didn’t have to figure things out alone.
And that, perhaps, was our downfall.
It has been such a confusing – yet beautiful – phase of my life. I will feel forever so grateful that such a wonderful person walked into my life at such a difficult point. I’m not religious these days, but maybe Someone up there sent him to me when I needed the support.
And now, maybe that Someone is telling me that I’m ready to tackle life on my own.
So I find myself entering this new decade of my life in a strange position (that quite frankly, terrifies me). For the first time on this journey, I’m truly alone and must find a balance and contentment – and perhaps even adventure – in the aloneness. This is going to be a trying period where I must push myself out of my boundaries of comfort in order to grow, where I must learn to be my own hero.
I don’t feel strong, not yet, but I hope know I will be given time. In one sense, I feel even more clueless than the 27-year-old me who left the U.S. to travel with her boyfriend. But in the other, I am stronger already because I know this now:
I am capable of being independent and responsible for myself. I am smart and resourceful. And love still exists and I am worthy of it.
So what are my plans now? Honestly, I’m not sure. I’m working on cultivating the strength I need to go travel alone. There’s still a lot of the world I haven’t seen and there’s no reason why I can’t take myself to see them. At the age of 30, I want to be able to give myself everything I want, so that a man merely fulfills me and not complete me.
As for this lost romance, I’ll forever remember this time affectionately and with gratitude. Though it may always be tinged with a bit of sadness too. But I’ll learn to move on and instead give myself the love and support I crave.
After all, this is what all this travel business is all about, isn’t it. Falling in love (sometimes with a place, sometimes with a person) and then saying goodbye. But you always take something valuable away and become a stronger person for it. Sometimes you go on to discover something even more exciting and the past love becomes a distant, but comforting, memory. While other times, there will always be a sense of longing and what-if. And sometimes, if you’re lucky, you’ll meet again. :)
I may have started the day in my childhood bedroom in Beijing, but I’m ending it in Tokyo! I’m on a short trip with my family to visit one of my aunties, and as you’re reading this, I have just arrived! 30 is looking good so far. :) Soon after we come back, I’ll be leaving the safe cocoon of Beijing. If you have any tips on traveling + being alone, I’d love to know!
Like what I write? Check out my services and let me know how I can help you!
Happy Birthday, Anna! I think you are incredibly brave and strong to be on this adventure, as well as sharing your personal experience with such honesty. That’s one of the reasons I love reading your blog. I’m sure solo travel has its challenges, but the amazing life experience you will get in return will be worth it! Congrats on starting a new decade and have fun in Tokyo!!
Thank you so much Kelly! Your comment really made my day, and it’s why I continue to blog! The thought of traveling truly alone now terrifies me, but I know once I get past that fear, it’s going to be so rewarding and I’m going to learn so much and I will see that I’m much stronger than I think. We had SO much fun in Tokyo… this decade started off great already! :)) x
Happy Birthday! It takes a lot of courage to share your heart like you did, so you are already stronger than you know. I hope 30 is going to bring you lots of joy and lots of stamps in your passport. ☺️
Thanks Courtney! I am due for a new passport in the next couple of months, so I hope I fill it up with stamps :D.
Happy birthday! Thanks for sharing a personal story, it can’t be easy but it’s a powerful thing to do. I’m 6 months deep into 30, and so far it’s great so welcome! I am however still building my own strength, and I think that’ll be a lifelong journey regardless of where I am in the world and who I’m with. Good luck in your journey :)
Thanks so much Rachel! That’s so true that we’re always learning and discovering things about ourselves. I know I will see that I’m stronger than I think. I think this will be a powerful year, and yay for being in the 30’s club too!
This is beautiful. Happy birthday, Anna and wishing you all the best!
Thank you so much Urška! x
Firstly, Happy Birthday to you!! I don’t like the pressure applied to 30 as it is just another number :) And to me, I think you are doing just great!
Secondly, what a lovely, honest post! These honest words are only going to help you with everything as you have fully accepted yourself. Anna, I hope we get to meet one day, seriously.
I hope we do too, Marcella! Who knows… maybe I’ll find myself back in that part of the world someday, or we’ll meet in another country altogether! I don’t like the pressure of 30 either, but let’s be honest, I’m not getting any younger, so it’s worrisome to me that I don’t know what to do/where to be that will be best for long term goals. But I’ll figure it out! I think this next year will be a lot of learning and self-discovery!
First off Happy Birthday! I hope you have a wonderful trip!
I want to say something good, I want to write a comment that is worth being a comment but all I’ve got is “guuurl, you got this” and I don’t even talk like that haha! It’s been a while since I’ve read something that’s actually inspired something in me and this was it. I’m approaching 30, I’ll be 27 in a couple of weeks and I’m full of thoughts of being too old to do this/that/the other, of having missed out of life because I took too long to decide the job I thought I wanted wasn’t for me, that I’m wasting my life… blah blah blah. But reading this makes me feel young at heart (I mean it’s not like I’m old), like I still have so much time to so what I want, see what I want and live whatever life I want.
I hope, actually, I want, to be on the road by the time I am thirty. We have about two years left in Belgium for Kris to finish up his PhD, but then I’m off, I don’t know where but we’re off somewhere. I cannot wait for that freedom. I’ve no idea how to make it work, but I have time to figure that out!
I think I’ve sort of lost my point. What I want to say is you inspire me to remember that there’s so much left of life left and so what if it takes me until I’m 30 to work it out.
You go gurl!
Happy Birthday!
Thank you SO much Kerri! Your comment really touched me and made me realize that this is why I continue to blog. But seriously, you’re still young and have so much time to figure it out! You’re at the age I was when I decided that the job I worked so hard for for the past decade wasn’t for me. And it took another 3 years to figure out another career path (though how “sturdy” this one is, I still don’t know). Sometimes I feel like I’m too old to be just wandering around with no purpose too, but then I remind myself that I work hard for this freedom. You’ll figure it out and 30 is a great goal-date! And if you really want to try freelancing and have any questions at all, I’d be happy to talk to you about it!! xx
Happy Birthday for a few days ago Anna! I’m sorry to hear about your second broken heart but it sounds like you had a beautiful relationship, even if it was only short-lived. I do believe that people come into our lives at points when we need them – the same thing happened to me when I met Toby. I am excited to continue following your journey and this exciting new stage of your journey. I hope our paths cross sometime in the future :)
Thanks Katie… and happy belated bday to you too! I’m really happy for you that you found someone who you have a connection with and whose goals match yours! I will be so forever grateful that such a kind, caring person came into my life when I needed support, so I cannot ever be mad about what happened. So i’ll just take it as a sign that I’m ready to support myself. :) I really hope we get to meet too! If you think you may be sticking around the US next year, we may be able to!
Thanks Anna. I should be in the US for about six months of next year so hopefully see you somewhere there! :)
Oh dang, we may just miss each other! As of now, I’m planning on going back around Sept/Oct. I’l keep on following you to see where you’re going after!
Happy Birthday! And wow, we both just wrote big life-update posts. It does feel good and – kinda necessary – to write about relationship changes, but it is hard to strike a balance when it comes to privacy (especially since I knew that Charlie would probably read my post). You write so well about feelings! And hey, I think now that you’ve got the income thing down, the freedom and travel and potential future relationships will just flow naturally. You’ll be great at solo travel! (Though it totally does require some extra social effort sometimes.) I’ll keep in touch about where I’m headed post India! Still not pumped about this Christmas thing…
I know, it’s weird because I know my family will read. But it doesn’t feel right either to keep this part of my life hidden. I’m still working on the income thing that will allow me to travel to more places than just SEA (lol!). You need to give me all your tips and experiences about solo travel. Come hang out with me over the holidays! I’m gonna stay in KL, I think, to take the time to work on some stuff and gather the courage for next year haha. I’ll try to make us some friends beforehand!
Happy birthday – wow, we are only 3 days apart! I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through this – twice – but I have to say that I LOVE the sound of being your own hero. Definitely something I’ve been working on over the last two years… I think it’s a lot to do with hitting the big 3-0 that focuses the mind but also makes you realise, even just a little, how far you’ve come!
Thanks so much Jessi, and YOU TOO! How crazy that we’re only 3 days apart! I totally agree, something about being 30 now makes me want to evaluate my life and plan for the future. And I realized that I’ve never had enough confidence in myself, but there is no reason why I can’t do everything I want to. 30 is as good an age as any to start! I hope this year will treat you well too! xx
Hi Anna! I always love reading your blog – your writing is so vulnerable and honest. There’s so much that I want to comment on because so much of this piece spoke to me, but I feel like you said it so well already! So for now, just going to say thank you for sharing this. It seems like you are on a really beautiful journey. Also, happy birthday :)
Hi Alissa! Thank you SO much for your comment. I really appreciate it and writing things that connect with readers is why I continue to blog. I’m looking forward to what the next year will bring – it’ll be different and scary at times, but I think it may also be one of my most exciting years yet! :) xx
Happy belated birthday! As always, I can relate to much to you. I know I can stand alone, and have. But it was so easy for me to start leaning on someone else too much. In my case, I guess it was a combination of always being that spoiled youngest child, some insecurities, and plain old naivete. I had a fleeting relationship with someone when I was abroad (that ended badly and, unlike the one I just wrote about, this was all my fault start to finish) and he really helped me find my way when I felt lost and in over my head — but in retrospect, I wish I’d taken the time to fully settle into my adult self before looking for romance. Good luck with your journey! You’ve totally got this! And I wish I were still in that part of the world so we could meet up :)
Thanks Kelly! I agree too that I need to feel settled and comfortable with my life and doing things alone, before adding another person into it. Otherwise, it’s just way too easy to depend on someone else. I was in the same situation – completely lost – and i will be forever grateful that he willingly helped me through it all. I’m not sure what I’d have done otherwise. But I also learned that when you’re forced into something you’re scared of, you realize what you’re capable of. Because I’m alone now and I’m actually finding it to be kind of fun and not as intimidating as I thought!
I wish we can meet up tooooo. Maybe vacation to Asia next year? :)
<3 <3 <3 <3