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slightly astray

an honest look at life on the road

In loving memory

for-grandpa-colored w border

I had another post planned to share but somehow it doesn’t feel right to write about my frivolous travels today.

Today is the day my mother and grandma sent my grandpa’s soul to eternal rest. He passed away two days ago on Wednesday. It came very suddenly and the funeral arrangements were made very fast.

He had been sick in the hospital for a couple of weeks due to a blockage in his brain. My mother already had plans to go to Beijing for Chinese New Year, but prepared to fly back sooner if things took a turn for the worse. However, my grandfather’s condition seemed to be steadily improving, so she flew back as per her planned trip. Within hours of landing in Beijing and visiting him in the hospital, he passed away (from respiratory failure in the end). It was all very peaceful.

It was as if he waited for her to get there to say goodbye. And then he was finally able to rest.

When I received the news, it was a shock but not totally unexpected. I quietly tucked it away until the growing lump of grief rose in my throat and could no longer be ignored. And when a tear finally spilled out, I cried for hours. The really ugly kind… with snot bubbles and scrunchy face. Even though we all should have prepared for the possibility, I guess I’ve been pretty blessed thus far in life that this is the first time I’m dealing with loss and I have no idea what to make of these waves of emotions. I felt so indescribably sad for all those left behind: for my grandma who has lost a life long partner, and for my mom who has lost her father.

When I was all cried out, I dealt with it the only way I knew how. I drew.

I’m not good with knowing the right words to say in such situations or articulating my sadness, so I let everything I wanted to express flow out of my pencil tip unto paper.

When I think of my grandfather, I think of his little red tricycle that he rode to take us to kindergarten everyday, singing songs the whole way. And of his tattered green army shoes (that precede my mother even!) that he still insisted on wearing for his daily morning walks. And of the tree he planted decades ago in the little community park out front that will make sure that his legacy lives on for decades more to come.

I think of his easy laugh and twinkly eyes. And how his speech would be dotted with Japanese words because he grew up in Taiwan during the Japanese occupation and thus was fluent in the language. And of all the strange knick-knacks tucked in random places around the apartment because he was a collector and loved tinkering with finds and coming up with new uses for them. He was sprightly and skillful. He could fix absolutely anything that was broken.

So it seemed to be the cruelest of jokes that he would one day suffer from a broken mind.

The last time I saw him, in May of 2015, he had already been living with varying stages of Alzheimer’s for a few years. He didn’t talk anymore unless prompted and his eyes have lost that twinkle. Though he still knew my grandma and his children, he no longer remembered me. I felt horrible that I, in turn, no longer knew how to act around him or talk to him. To him, I was just a stranger in the house, a face that everyone told him he should know but didn’t. And to me, he was merely a ghost of the clever, vivacious grandfather I loved.

Alzheimer’s is a horrible heartbreaking disease that affects the family members just as much, if not more than, as the sufferer. For the sufferer, it robs him of those precious memories that make life meaningful and unique. For the family, their loved one may be physical there, but there is now an ever enlarging hole where the soul resides. And there is nothing anyone can do but watch the disintegration.

I know this unexpected early departure is a blessing in disguise because it has ended his suffering before the really devastating last stage sets in. He left peacefully knowing that he was surrounded by his most loved ones. It comforts me greatly to know this.

When I think of him now, I will not think of the Grandpa with Alzheimer’s. Instead, he will always be the Grandpa on the red tricycle belting out songs.

biking to school with Grandpa

walks with grandma and grandpa

about six years ago, during the early stages still

grandpa with his two children

grandpa with his two children

grandma, grandpa, and my mother

grandma, grandpa, and my mother

I will probably edit/update this post again as I learn more information from my mom about his last moments.

See also: Lessons From a Few Scribbled Characters for another personal post on my grandfather and Alzheimer’s, and Where I Come From for a post on my happy childhood in Beijing.

Comments

  2. I’m so sorry Anna. What a beautiful post and drawing to make tribute to your grandfather. He sounds like a wonderful man and one that will be sorely missed. Sending you lots of love from Chile, you and your family will be in my thoughts. Take care x x x x.

  6. My eyes filled with tears reading this both because I felt your pain and that of your family and because I went through exactly the same thing with my grandfather -also a military man, also who finally lost his long suffering battle with Alzheimers, also someone who gradually lost all recognition and memory. It is heartbreaking and I am glad that your grandfather is no longer suffering. Such precious loving memories and photographs you have of him. Thinking of you Anna x

    • I’m so so sorry about your grandfather too, Shikha! I think it is probably for the best that they are no longer battling this disease. We visited my aunt’s father in the home for Alzheimer’s patients yesterday (he has lost all recognition), and I think that maybe we should be thankful that grandfather never made it to that last step.

  8. Sending big hugs to you and your family at the moment Anna. This was a beautiful post to read, your relationship with your grandfather shined through, and I love the memory you have of him singing songs on his bike. Hope you’re all doing OK at the moment – thoughts with you all. <3 – Tasha

  9. Goodness! The first blog post I read after I got back from my business trip is this! My condolences, and take care!

  11. I’m so sorry to hear this, sending you big hugs right now! my Grandmother passed about 6 years ago from Alzheimer’s and reading your story [and your Grandfather’s] made me tear up. but I’m glad you have so many great memories with him – those will be the ones that stay with you. I’m glad your mom was able to make it there to say goodbye and now she can be there for your grandmother. will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts, xo

    • Thanks so much Jamie! I’m so sorry about your grandmother too. Alzheimer’s is such a heartbreaking disease, but they’re all in a better place now. :) I’m in Beijing with my family now, and we’re all doing well! xx

  12. I’m so sorry to hear about your Granddad! These words are perfect though, I’m sure they would have meant the world to such a wonderful man. Take care of yourself!

  13. Aw Anna, so sorry to hear about your grandpa! :( I know that’s extremely tough for your family, despite his health condition and all. We lost my grandma last year (she had Dementia) and it was really hard on all of us, even though we had already said goodbye to the grandmother we had loved & known. The memories you shared are beautiful. Remember him in those positive, lively ways! Thinking about you & your family during this time! xoxo

    • Oh no, I’m so sorry about your grandmother Mere! These kind of brain illnesses are so difficult for family members. They’re all at better places now :). And they’re always live on in our memories! xx

  14. So so sorry about your Grandpa. I lost my beloved Grandpa suddenly a couple of years ago and it left a huge hole – yours also sounds like a very special man. Thinking of you and your family xx

    • Thanks so much Camila! After writing this, I found a cheap ticket to Beijing, so I decided to go. I’m so grateful to have this freedom and glad I can be with my family! :)

  16. This is such a loving tribute Anna. He will forever live in your memories and stories. Say his name as often and frequent as possible with the same tone of love you always did. His legacy is beautiful. I’m sorry for your loss, and don’t worry, no one ever prepares us for these things, even if someone did, we all go through different stages in different times. I’m so happy you could be with your mother. Big virtual hugs!!

    • Thank you so much Isabel! I really appreciate your beautiful words! I’m so glad too that I can be with my family right now! We tell a lot of stories about him and I know he’ll always live on in our memories. :) x