I had drafted this a while ago and debated whether to post it or not. It feels too private. But as my tag line is “an honest look at life on the road”, I don’t want to leave out significant developments in my journey. This is the story about why I’m leaving KL after a year of calling it home.
When you’re living in a city you’re not from, the #1 question you get is: “What are you doing here?”
Sometimes I don’t feel like explaining, so I’ll say I’m working here (that’s what they all assume anyway since I live in a local part of town). Sometimes I feel like a chat and I’ll tell the truth: I came as a tourist and met a local boy. Sometimes, it’s just some variation of “I just like it here”.
But more and more, I’m not so sure anymore.
I have a, shall I say… complicated relationship with Kuala Lumpur. For most of the past year, it has been home and I’ve been happy there. But lately, more and more, I can’t quite shake this naggy feeling that I no longer belong here.
I fell in love with KL because of a boy. Yes I love it as a city. The food is amazing, the living is comfortable, the shopping is great (seriously, my travel wardrobe has quadrupled), the people are nice, there’s no language barrier, and the city has endless surprises. But I mainly loved it because he lived here.
It was a whirlwind romance, as travel romances tend to be. When faced with a short time frame and the possibility of losing someone they’re not ready to lose, people tend to take wild swings and give it their all and hope it’s enough to alter the path. And in our case, it did. I stayed in KL to see where it could go. The months we were together were some of the best. I’ve never felt so adored and loved.
Unfortunately, it didn’t go far. Before the end of the year, it had disintegrated from a passionate love to a silent indifference. More specifically, the breakup was his decision and he did it over text, while I was away on a trip I had already planned. I was shattered but I understood his reasons, and so, all I asked for was one last face to face conversation when I got back to KL. Yes of course, he said.
So I returned, and waited for him to clear up a spot in his busy schedule for me. And waited. And waited.
Weeks passed and he never made time for me for that conversation. And so I could never get the closure I so desperately needed.
And yet I still waited.
In the meantime, I tried to move on. I was anxious about returning to KL because my entire KL experience had been with him. He showed me everything I knew about the city. I barely had one KL experience that wasn’t tied to him in some way. I was scared that without him, life there wouldn’t be the same. The city wouldn’t feel like home anymore.
So I did my best to seek out new KL experiences. New friends, new activities, and even new dates. I discovered so much more about the city, met really cool people whom I can consider good friends now, and formed new memories.
But always in the back of my mind, I still waited to see him one last time.
Even as the weeks passed and he either never contacted me or made half-assed plans with no follow through, I still refused to believe that he was anything but the most loving, caring man I had ever known. So still, I waited.
But still, it never came.
And then inexplicably, he just stopped responding at all. Like I no longer and never have existed in his life.
“What do you think if I just go over to his place one day, when I know he’ll be home?” I asked Rachel one day (who thankfully had come to KL to spend Christmas with me). I needed closure and wasn’t getting it and didn’t know what to do anymore.
“Well, it’s definitely a little crazy,” she said. “But if you have no friends in common and you just want to talk and don’t really care what he thinks of you anymore, then sure.”
No, we didn’t have friends in common. Yes, I wanted to talk. But yes, I also care what he thinks. At this point, I still thought so highly of him and I wanted him to think just as well of me too. I didn’t want to be the crazy ex-girlfriend.
(Side note: why is it always cute and romantic when someone shows up on someone’s porch/fire escape/workplace in movies, but it’s creepy and stalker-ish if it happened in real life?)
So I scrapped that idea. And slowly began to accept that I was never going to hear from him again. While also slowly accepting that maybe he’s not the person I thought him to be.
And when I was ready, I wrote him a letter with everything I wanted to tell him. I needed to give myself closure. I never heard anything back. It was well and truly over.
I think I stayed in KL because a part of me was always waiting to put this chapter of my life to rest. Almost like it gave me a reason to linger there. But I’ve realized that I’m going to have to finish it myself and write a new story. I still don’t know where it went so horribly wrong and there are still so many why’s. But this isn’t the place to look for answers anymore. There are none to be found.
So when I realized this and grew restless, I made plans to leave KL. This place that used to feel like home now carries too much heartache. By physically moving on, I’m also letting myself emotionally move on.
And now with this post, I’m finally closing the book on this chapter. For good.
Don’t worry, I’m at the point now where I’ve made peace with everything and I’m truly ready to move on. I’m ready to fill blank pages with new adventures. And when I come back to KL (because I’m positive I will), it’s going to be because I genuinely love this city, and not for any other reasons.
The healing of the heart process is slow, but there is nothing like new travels and new adventures to lift the spirit. For now, I just know it’s what I need to do.
Get ready – there should be plenty of pictures and stories from new places soon!
I’m currently on Penang and trying to plan out the next few months. If you’re a solo traveler, how do you decide where to go?
Thank you so much for your openness in sharing this Anna _ these posts are definitely by far the hardest to hit publish on. I’m sorry to read about what you went through but it definitely does sound like you’re in a good place now. Cheers to the next adventure!
I haven’t done that type of travel, but if i was a nomad I would chase the sun… and delicious local cuisine!
Hehe yes, I’ve definitely been chasing sun and local cuisine… another reason that makes Malaysia so hard to leave. I’m LOVING it on Penang right now, though! And yes, these posts are hard to publish, but I don’t want to hide what’s going on and I want people to see that traveling and relationships are not always good. And it’s because I feel like I’m at a good place now that I can hit publish. :)
Sorry that you had to go through this Anna, he definitely doesn’t deserve you! It certainly isn’t OK to not allow somebody to have the closure they deserve so I’m glad you got to write it in a letter. And I’m happy that you are ready to move on to the next place now, I can’t believe you have been in KL a year, time flies!
So erm, I hear Santiago de Chile is nice at this time of year ;)
You’re so right… he doesn’t deserve me and that’s what I tell myself. At our age, a person should be mature enough to do the right thing. I can’t believe how fast time flies either… sometimes it’s so scary fast! Sigh. Hehe we’ll see what happens later this year & early next when I’m back in the Americas!
Wow thanks for sharing. I can’t even begin to understand your heartbreak over this whole situation (although I get the break up over text message…only douches do that honestly). So glad that you feel you’re over it and that you’re finally ready to move on, mentally and geographically. You know what? I’m excited for you! I hope you travel and find another country to fall in love with! And if you’re ever in Scotland let me know ;) xx
Thanks for reading Camila! It took a few months, but I really have made peace with it now and am looking forward to new things. :) I’m excited for new travels too! And I would LOVE to go back to the UK someday, if it weren’t so gosh-darn expensive :( :(
Oh Anna, I feel you so hard on this. He treated you like shit and he’s a coward, and it sucks that you are likely to never get the closure you deserve. But at least you are doing right by you and doing what you can to move on, and that takes immeasurable inner strength that is hard to find. Much love xx
Thanks Amanda! xx The hurtful thing is that he was the most caring person I had ever been with, but then turned so horrible after. I can never understand that. But oh well. I’ve made my peace with it and I’m looking forward to new things. :)
Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt and honest part of your journey. It sucked how it ended with the guy, but i’m glad that you are now in a good place and ready to move on with new adventures. Enjoy planning out the next few months!
Thanks Kelly (and sorry for the late reply)! I really do feel past it now and leaving KL was definitely the right thing to do. :)
He didn’t treat you right Anna and I am glad you realise that now, it is always so confusing when someone seems so nice at first then do something really cold-hearted. Exciting times ahead for you!
I still don’t understand the whole thing, but no matter. It’s only made me realize what I want. I am very excited for the next few months!
Urgh, people. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out how you wanted it to in the end.
Get out there Lady, get out there and enjoy our next adventure! I can’t wait to read all about it.
It’s perfectly alright :). I’m really glad I’m traveling again and I’ve had the best time in the past month! I’m also excited to have new things to write about now too. :)
How baffling and bizarre that he cut you off – I wonder if he’s reading this blog post & finally realising it’s not okay to treat people like that, let alone ones you supposedly cared about. You still owe me a London afternoon tea date if you need destination ideas ☺☺
He used to love reading my blog, and I don’t know if he still does. But a part of me wishes he will read it and realize that he can’t treat people like that too. Yes! I would love to come back to London! Got a couch for me to crash on? ;) Cuz that’s the only way I’d be able to afford it haha!
Sometimes people who claim to care about us turns out to.. well, not be. Or that we have different definitions for the word. But Anna, I believe in you and in your new chapter. You are one strong woman, and what is one small hurdle but a lesson learned, and something you can look back on in the future with no bitterness. Because you hurt no one and did what you needed to do. Safe travels and I’m excited to read more about where you end up next. Sending lots of virtual hugs and good vibes your way!
Thank you so much Teesa!! And you are so right. I was really hurt and bitter, but now I feel past it and am so much happier. I’m glad I’m at the place where I don’t need to look back on that period and have bad feelings. Leaving KL definitely helped with that. :) I’m looking forward to the next few months of travel!
I loved KL (even though we were there for a very short time) and I can see why you found it so easy to live there. However, after reading your post, I can totally see why you want to move on as well! It’s hard when a place is so tied in with a person and that relationship went south. Also he sounds like an idiot, just saying.
Wherever you head off to next, I hope you feel good about what’s to come. Onwards and upwards!
I know, the sad thing is that I really do genuinely love KL as a city and place to live in. There are things about it I miss for sure. But leaving was the right thing to do and I’m discovering places I may like even more! And yes, totally agree with you on the idiot part. :)
Wow, how am I just now seeing this post?! Haha when I saw my name, I was like, ahhh shit, I hope I gave good advice and didn’t say anything stupid. (But yes, that’s exactly what I said and I stand by it!) Glad you’ll be on the road now! I think it’ll be the perfect thing for you, even without the closure. And with Air Asia, you’ll always get to return to KL, whether you want to or not!
I second Rachel’s comment! How am I just now seeing this post!? Gosh, reading this reminded me so much of how I feel/felt about DC. I loved the city and the guy I was with sooo much, but after he broke my heart, I suddenly became so lost. Every memory from DC involves him. That’s so hard! It’s easy to get so attached to a city when you’re with people you love. But without them there, the city totally becomes an almost unfamiliar place… Anyway! Sorry I missed this, but so glad you’re happy and moving forward – you just had the most amazing time in Penang! <3